Sometimes there are secrets you just can’t keep inside, but those are the secrets with the greatest potential for pain. I started Sweet Misery Love to have an outlet for my thoughts and emotions on subjects that aren’t appropriate for my personal blog, because there are things that people I have to look in the eyes don’t need to know.
I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), bi-polar disorder, anxiety and other medical conditions that cause chronic pain and fatigue. But I get my ass out of bed every morning, sometimes before the sun, and I take care of mine. My house may not be sparkling clean, I might show up late to appointments or miss them completely, and most days I might feel like I’m in way over my head with this parenting shit, but I still get it done. I’m one of those “world’s okayest moms” and I’m absolutely okay with that.
I’ve always felt like I was alone in the crowd, like no one else quite got my struggle. And then I found the blogging community – my tribe. I started out with an innocent mommy blog, much like the front I put out to others it is sweet and happy, and the darkness doesn’t need to dwell there. Once I found a community of bloggers who didn’t know me personally, whom I wouldn’t run into at the supermarket, I found the courage to start Sweet Misery Love.
This is my safe place; my place to let go of the dark and dirty secrets and take some weight off of my very heavy shoulders. If you don’t like what you see, don’t let the door hit you on the way out – you won’t hurt my feelings, even if you troll around and spew negativity. I’ve heard it all. I’ve heard how worthless I am, how fat and hideous and what a horrible mother I am. The thing is, I know none of those things are particularly true.
I am a warrior, fighting every day to keep the battle lines in my favor. I battle the sadness and darkness with light and hope; I try to remind myself daily that happiness is a choice that I need to be making. I don’t use my past as an excuse to miss out on my future, I can’t let my past keep me from moving forward.
I am beautiful in my humanity, but also in my physicality, whether I’m a size 2 or a size 24. Yes, I could use to lose weight, and I have been and will continue to do so – but not because someone deems me unworthy due to my size.
My hope is not only to alleviate some of my personal grief, stress and darkness, but maybe to bring a little light to those who read my words, a new perspective or just some encouragement. We are all perfectly imperfect, we all make mistakes and we will all continue to do so, that is what it means to be human.