Sweet Misery Love

I am a 29-year-old bent-but-not-broken, recently discovered bi-polar newborn with a lifetime of trauma behind me, and a bright, hopeful future ahead of me.

I’ve always had a voice whispering strength and hope for the future. My spirit guide took my hand 22 years ago and said “Follow me, you have a big future little one.”

I come from a long line of intelligent, strong-willed and spiritually powerful Native American women who have been continually used and beaten down by weak-minded men who needed to wield power over them, to bend them until they broke, or in some cases, simply end them because they couldn’t break them, like my alleged grandfather did to my grandmother.

The men in our lives started early, as many generations back as I know of, there were fathers molesting daughters, brothers raping sisters, physical and emotional abuse, murder. As a child, I knew I was meant to break the cycles of my matriarchs, I was meant to begin a change that would cleanse our blood line, get the next generation to a healthy place, where they wouldn’t relive the traumas of my childhood, or my mother’s, or her mother’s and hers before that. I was meant to start a new line of men, a line of men with respect for women, who treat women not as objects, but as equals. My sons will be the first generation of men who are kind, in a long line of angry, power-hungry men.

My whole life, evil has been trying to beat me down, keep me from my destiny. I was made for great things, I’ve had a spirit guide ever since I can remember, one who carried me through when I was in too much pain to continue on my own. My spirit guide has whispered my plans to me throughout the years, my path to today has been purposeful, every song I’ve listened to, book I’ve read, and person I’ve met have been carefully placed in my life to teach me the things I would need to know, the compassion I would need to have, and to help me realize the pure love that lives inside of me for everyone and everything.

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I have always been filled with a pure, innocent love of humankind. Even those who have trespassed against me have been forgiven, and always loved. I can say with certainty I’ve only hated one person in my entire life – the man who told my mother he would kill her like he killed her mother. The man who tortured and terrorized my sweet, broken mother, until the day he died, alone, rotting in his own filth and evil, as he should have done long ago. The system couldn’t contain him, the world didn’t need him, he did not one bit of good during his nearly 60 years; even his service in Vietnam was tainted by his evil, using his Veteran status as an excuse for his misdeeds. I have absolutely no good memories of the man, except that I was thankfully never left alone with him.

It’s taken me a very long time to find a medication that can help my brain settle down, it’s almost as if I’ve woken from a 25 year coma, with a vague idea of the things that have happened in the past, as if things have been filtered through a cheesecloth.

All of the names in this tale have been changed to protect loved ones. It may read stranger than fiction, but it’s based entirely in reality.

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3 thoughts on “Sweet Misery Love

  1. I love that you bear your soul & tell everything as raw as it was when you experienced it. Following the script you opened up with, pertaining your spiritually based culture of origin, is it possible that your tribe cursed your bloodline long ago & you could contact an elder to find someone capable of performing a ceremonial blessing or unbinding? Just a thought. I know you to be an amazingly strong woman that can do anything she sets herself to do, & though I’m older by a few years, you are very inspiring to me in so many aspects of my personal life. All the best to you in whatever you set the course at in life.

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